?

I feel so very lost... I hate it.. At least I can fill my time with work now...

Learning

I'm learning my worth, and I'm worth much more than what I am getting, I'm going to stop giving my all to people that don't care, that don't see my worth.

It's been a while

I am going through a lot right now emotionally. It's hard to find my footing. I'm going to be posting on here for a while and a lot less on Facebook. Thank you all for understanding.

Proud

:) I am doing very well with my diet. its hard work to keep on track but I know in the end it will be worth it. I a staying realistic I know I will never be a size 2 but a size 7 is well with in reach :)

You better WORK

This bitch is going to be serving it up this year. TRUST that babies! I will get it done, and get it done well :) I have faith in myself and that's all I need.

Falling into place

Things are starting to go my way, and I must say I am quite happy about it. now that the ball is in my court its time to hit the ground running an make stuff happen baby! Big stuff in the works babies.. BIG stuff.

Burnt out on facebook.

I have grown rather sick of facbook and the "drama" that comes along with it. I would love to blow up and call everyone out on everything, but I'm not. It's not worth it. So I will be here a lot, blogging and what not. I have a Twitter page and 2 Tumblur pages so I have ways to express myself and talk to others. Its not the end of the world just the end of me wasting time on facebook.

So slack

Oh little blogger page.. I have been so mean.. not showing you any love.. I will work on an honest post here in a bit!

for the better...

In the wonderfully written lyrics of a Bob Dylan song " you better start swimming or you'll sink like a stone." I feel the need to stand up even more so for the things that I believe so very much in, Rights, Rights for women, for love of ANY kind, and for animals. I feel this is a calling of sorts. I feel as if I can do more for the better of us all, somehow, some way. I will keep my heart mind and eyes open... and I will do my part to stand up when the time comes. I'm ready.

I am..

I am uniquely flawed, perfectly and tragically opinionated. Loud, often out spoken. a spiritually awaken disbelieving pessimistic lover.a useless jack of all trades. a talentless accomplishment. I am incomplete beauty, a lopsided circle. I am both happy with whats right and whats wrong with me, you see all of that, the good and the bad, thats what makes me, me, who I am. what makes you, you?

Out of left field...

this little blog id going to seem a bit out of place, and it is, because I'm only meant for meaningful blogs to be posted up on this site, but facebook is being a silly hooker and I'm putting it up here :)
Enjoy..

Ladies you know when its that special time in your life, that time when your cramped and none of your jeans fit, when you want to punch every one in the face, run down the candy isle and throw down a party size bag of M & Ms? Well sure you do( if you have a vagina anyways) well today I was going to pick up the goods for my visit from aunt flow. So I cruse down the the lady land Isle and some big fat creeper is on his cell phone texting away while leaning against the rack of plugs...
 As push my cart closer, captain chub is still parked in the same spot, so I try to go around him and clip an end cap with the front of my cart and knock down about  20 packs of eye liner.. I know he can hear me grumbling as Im picking them up from the floor, pissing and moaning about my back hurting.. he does nothing to help, but continues to text away.. ( for those that know me even on my VERY best day my fuse is short.. and when I'm having a lady moment its pretty much non existent!) After picking up everything I blurt out Geee thanks. He says nothing does not even look up from his stupid damn phone... I need my tampons... and this dumb shit wont move.. thats it... I clear my throat to get his attention... FINALLY he looks up at me, I have my hands on my hips and the WTF face on.. he looks at me with the dumbest most confused facial expression I have ever seen, and says "what?" so... I let him know.. " What, well for one your in my way." he takes about 4 steps well waddles away and get right back on the phone... I lose it and say What kind of freak text by the Tampons? He mumbles to me "how rude" I reply go cry about it stay puffed marshmallow man... and then he slowly waddled away.

the moral of this story is do NOT get in the way of a chick who is MAJORLY p.m.s.ing and her Tampons....

My better half

I think its time to gush about my better half, the man who makes me smile even on my darkest days. Ryan and I have been together for about 5 years now. Each and every day with Ryan is a blessing. He makes me laugh until I have tears in my eyes, he is the funniest person I know. I love him with all of my heart, I have never knew such love. The kind of love when you screw up, that person still loves you, and sees you for you and not your flaws. Ryan knows me, everything about me, things no other person knows, he knows the big things and all the little things, and knows to me the little stuff makes the big stuff, (like I would rather have 10 minutes of holding hands than a pair of ear rings) I love him. Nothing is better than waking up beside him. He is my best friend, the love of my life, the father of my child, my one and only, my soul mate. Ryan has made me a better person, I am so grateful to have such an amazing man in my life. who am I to be so lucky? Ryan, honey you are my world, I love you.

The art of a Melancholy Monday

I feel like a three legged dog wildly chasing after its tail, getting all worked up while getting nowhere,and becoming both tiered and dizzy from it. I now sit and wait asking myself what to do now, what more can I do. While trying to fix the main problem I am causing other smaller problems mainly stepping on the toes of the people I am so very close to, somethings got to give. I never thought that the days fallowing a car accident would be even more stressful that the day of the car accident its self! All of the paper work, the phone calls, the doctor visits, the body pain, the head aches, and the pointless waiting are taking quite a toll. I was not even at fault for this and this is the mess that I am dealing with. I am ready to have this done with, Its getting so annoying to say the very least. I am doing my best to keep my head up.

Go me!!!

:) a few days ago I read about Katy Towell's Halloween in March contest, being a lover of Halloween and Katy Towell I said Oh what the hey, I will give it a try. I wrote up a little spooky poem from a ghost got my creative juices going aged some paper (my hands smelled of coffee for about 2 days afterwards) and worked on a tiny set for my photo. SNAP, then sent in the photo, and 4 days later (today being that day) I found out that my little what the hay made it all the way to second place! Winning me some arty Goodies from Ms Towell her self!
:) awesome!! Im very proud of myself and cant wait to hold in my very hands work from Katy Towell... now I just have one question... where to put it on display?......

http://skary.net/blog/halloween-in-march-winners-chosen/

The Silver lining

bruises are like pages on your body's scrapbook, and Memories are like pages to your lifes story. I'm learning life is only what you make it, I'm only 24 and I'm still not sure of much anything other than I know I am true to myself. I may not be a pageant queen but I know I'm beautiful and I am amazing. I don't need others to tell me that but you know it never hurts :) I will keep my head up, and I will somehow mange to find a smile, even on my darkest days.

<3

Faith, religion, and plastic lawn flamingos.

I'm not quick off the draw to say that I am deeply religious, (I am  very Spiritual) Religion causes confusion and a slew of awkward pointless arguments. I don't like the sayings have a little faith or Pray about it.. now I'm not saying its wrong to pray or have faith but their is a time to pray and a time to get up and make things happen.God helps those who help themselves, you can't sit around an wait for a higher power to drop it all in your lap. I don't like the aggressive side of religion, the countless lives taken in the name of faith. Believe in my god or die, not sure thats going to get you in "good" with god. I wish people would question faith and religion a little more.All books on religion were written by mankind.. and mankind is good for a lie or two. I think all you need to do is make this ( your life) all that you can, treat each day as if it were your last ( don't spend it being a jerk) love as much and as deeply as you can. I'm pretty sure thats what god wants in the first place.




"Love is a promise,
love is a souvenir,
once given never forgotten,
never let it disappear. "
~John Lennon

perfection.

perfection, perfection is a religion I put blood sweat and tears into, and always fell short of pure bliss.My knees are scraped from chasing dreams of such beauty I fall to the ground with weakness. After years of being  a faithful servant of the religion of perfection I now see it only as a state of mind ( as it should be) trying to be picture perfect is as pointless as trying to catch a shadow. What makes us "perfect" is our inability to be perfect, our flaws are what make us who we are, without flaws we would all be drones.

friends till the end or just till you say so????

Nothing bothers me more than not being friends with someone I was really close to. I understand people change and can grow apart but not to the point you could careless about me or what goes on in my life. ( Christ all mighty on a Trike, I wish I could say I felt the same.) What bothers me most is when someone is brain washed not to talk to me.. really? Grow a pair of balls. Your not a child and you can make your own choices. A rare few that broke off  a friendship with me have came back and said wow Rachel you were right I messed up.***DING DING DING *** You win a prize and the prize is having your douche bag club membership revoked! I don't want the whole wide world to love me, but when I go out of my way to care I would at least like a sliver of thought in return.So stop being a big nasty infected vagina and be my friend damn it!, 'cause I'm pretty flipping awesome.

sensory overload

Its funny how something seemingly small can have such a powerful effect on a person. For the most part I am a very visual person but a few things can bring me back to another time in another place. Music, I have always had a strong passion for music. Nothing is better than diving alone late at night with the windows down the wind in your hair somehow catching every green light and hearing a song that brings you back, back to anything. Sometimes my memory is so vivid I can remember the smells of a time in my life. As silly as this is when ever I smell bonne bell vanilla frosting lip gloss I think of middle school. Its the little things you don't think much of at the time that will mean so much to you later on.

death grip.

I never let things go, in fact thats the one thing I honestly hate about myself, my inability to forgive and forget!
Sometimes I am so spiteful, like I'm made up of piss and vinegar. I will go far out of my way to get back at the few that have crossed me, even if you tell me your sorry a million times over I can't for what ever reason let it go.
I wish I was more like my mother, Its like nothing ever gets to her, I admire that so much. I know this can be good to hold on to anger like this... but how do you forgive someone you gave everything to, that hurt you so bad, or someone you trusted more than anyone tell you nothing  lies over and over right to your face? how, how do you do it, how do you just let it go.I don't live a bad life, in fact I'm pretty complacent for the most part, I just have this stupid flaw that I would do just about anything to get rid of.Its only human to remember and to fill  passionate about the past.