sensory overload

Its funny how something seemingly small can have such a powerful effect on a person. For the most part I am a very visual person but a few things can bring me back to another time in another place. Music, I have always had a strong passion for music. Nothing is better than diving alone late at night with the windows down the wind in your hair somehow catching every green light and hearing a song that brings you back, back to anything. Sometimes my memory is so vivid I can remember the smells of a time in my life. As silly as this is when ever I smell bonne bell vanilla frosting lip gloss I think of middle school. Its the little things you don't think much of at the time that will mean so much to you later on.

death grip.

I never let things go, in fact thats the one thing I honestly hate about myself, my inability to forgive and forget!
Sometimes I am so spiteful, like I'm made up of piss and vinegar. I will go far out of my way to get back at the few that have crossed me, even if you tell me your sorry a million times over I can't for what ever reason let it go.
I wish I was more like my mother, Its like nothing ever gets to her, I admire that so much. I know this can be good to hold on to anger like this... but how do you forgive someone you gave everything to, that hurt you so bad, or someone you trusted more than anyone tell you nothing  lies over and over right to your face? how, how do you do it, how do you just let it go.I don't live a bad life, in fact I'm pretty complacent for the most part, I just have this stupid flaw that I would do just about anything to get rid of.Its only human to remember and to fill  passionate about the past.

Body Image

For the people that have known me quite a while you know about my personal struggle with weight loss and body image issues, and for the people that have not known me very long I have done horrific things in the name of weight loss. I shamefully admit to doing things that are extremely  harmful and unsafe to lose weight.My body image issues started in middle school, I never was over weight by medical standards but some how Im my mind I was a cow, I started "flirting" with bulimia. I ended up messing up the limning of my stomach in doing so, but did that stop me... nope. Once I got in to high school my thoughts of losing even more weight were almost all that I thought about, and sadly for one of my friends ( who I will not name) was all she thought of too. She told me different ways to purge. I started doing this so much my hair started to thin and I was getting sick all the time. After the end of a long relationship with a boyfriend the bulimia when into over time, Two VERY good friends started asking important questions and helped me get going in the right direction. I have been doing very well on living a healthy normal life now but I would lie if I told you those thoughts don't cross my mind here and there. Im putting this all out here because I hope to god none of you have ever done this to your self or know of anyone that has. Weight loss is not something that can be done in a few days time, it takes time and hard work, wish I had got that right years ago. Stay strong and be smart. you only get one life, make it a healthy one!

I wonder...

I wonder who likes me, who loathes me or who loves me.
I wonder if I will be remembered years and years down the road, and by how many people, and for what reasons.
I wonder what I will be like years from today, I hope to be the same me that I am today just much wiser and much more complacent.
This is not all that I wonder about, honestly the list could go on and on, but I wanted this first post to be simple and meaningful.